Stuck

Boy oh boy, I'm stuck on what to blog about. I feel stuck. I am really unsure what will happen. Will I stay in Zambia? What would it take for me to stay? How many reasons would I need to leave? A small note: yesterday, I gained some much needed perspective when I sat with some teachers at their staff meeting. It's been one of my "projects" to get weekly staff meetings happening at the schools… the Ministry has a lot of programmes that support teacher training, but it often doesn't go beyond the formal workshops. Since March, I've been working with the teachers to plan their meetings and how the trained teachers can mentor untrained teachers and also how they all can support each other. I know nothing about school administration, but it's about building basic support systems. A lot of the teachers were prepared for the meeting and actually reflected on what we talked about last meeting. I felt really proud of the teachers at this school. Maybe it took months and months of work, but something is happening. More importantly, I could tell that they were proud of their progress. I guess sometimes for me to put all the frustration I have with the organisation in perspective, I need to remind myself of who ultimately I am working for. But hmm… it's not enough. I feel lost and can't seem to get make that big decision. It's just a weird place for me. Sure, I've lost direction in my life before, but for now I am direction less. I am waiting to see what could happen, especially now that the head of the organisation keeps saying that he and other staff are committed to working with me. We'll see. I've probably been stuck for a while, but now it's more profoundly affecting me. I feel unlike the person I think I am. Sometimes I feel like I've lost my smile. I ran into a friend I hadn't seen in a while yesterday; for the briefs moments when I saw him I felt that warm, radiating smiley feeling inside that I hadn't felt in a really long time. It lingered a little bit after he left, but then it faded away and I felt like I am now. Stuck.

Ten random things to fill up space on this blog:

1. I feel like getting a dog. The idea came when I spent a few days in the company of two beautiful, giant dogs. They sure made me feel special… the whole snuggling under my legs won me over. Unfortunately, I can't really take care of a dog right now. It's still a nice thought though.

2. My housemate will be leaving Zambia at the end of July. She's been in Zambia for almost two years and has played a huge role in my life here. I will be sad to see her go. She's the one that always looked out for me here. I will miss our long conversations over enormous cups of tea.

3. I now eat tuna regularly because of my housemate.

4. I need to hang out with friends who will do more than drink. Maybe play scrabble and drink?

5. I'm not allowed to drink for a little bit because I'm on crazy antibiotics for a bladder infection. It sucks – both.

6. I went to a funeral this week. It felt like two because on Monday my colleagues and I went to console the family. On Wednesday was the actual burial. Both were emotionally draining and I don't know how to digest having been to four funerals in seven months.

7. The weather at night is still chilly – between 5–10C would be my guess. Last night I slept in my sleeping bag, in my bed, under the covers.

8. MEC catalogues make me deliriously happy – even in pdf form. I like dreaming about all the camping gear I could get my hands on. Thanks bro!

9. Postcards also bring a bright light to my day. Thanks E!

10. I broke my sunglasses when I carelessly threw them in my bag. Sunglasses are now my security blanket, so I promptly bought another pair. Because the police have cleared out all the little stalls around town, cheap sunglasses are hard to find. But while in a minibus stuck in traffic, some guy who happened to be selling sunglasses came to my window. I now have a giant pair of wrap around D&G shades. I doubt I have the attitude to pull it off, but they'll do until I find a more normal looking pair. I think the sunglasses practically take up almost a third of my face.

So here I am… stuck with a pair of huge, fake D&G shades. I hope you are all well wherever you may be.