No thanks, friend

Can we be friends? My answer to that question used be, "ahh, sure…
okay." Today, I heard myself say, "no, thank you." The same kind of no
that you would say to something you didn't want, like moldy bread
(sorry, my mind is on the fact I will have to eat cereal tomorrow
because the bread has gone moldy). I have officially given up thinking
I could be friends with Zambian men. I believe it is impossible to
have platonic friendships here with the opposite sex. The few Zambian
women friends I have here support my view, so I don't feel so bad just
saying no. Since I arrived, I think I have been open to friendships
with people that I've crossed paths with. Random meetings on the
street do not get my phone number, but someone I actually have a
conversation with might. However, when it the "friendship" turns into
persistent calling and telling me that you think about me all the
time, that is the end of that. It sounds harsh, but I don't have
enough fingers to count the number of times that has happened. The few
times that have actually bothered me are when the person in question
is someone I've met in a professional situation and my guard is down
because wife and kids are in the picture. I've met a lot of people
here and maybe I'll lose out on potentially meaningful relationships,
but I think for the time being everyone I meet will stay at an
acquaintance level. Something else I heard myself say to the taxi
driver that drove me home, "yes, I'm married; my husband is at home
with the kids." And his response, "That is good. Me, I want to be your
friend."

On expat life

The definition of expatriate I accept is broad to include anyone
living and working outside of their country of citizenship. Whether by
choice or chance, many foreigners in Zambia find themselves falling
into the expat world. In Lusaka, the places that frequently have
mostly foreigners include the two shopping complexes, movie theatre,
established restaurants and cafes… basically any Western type hangout
places. I must admit the strange and somewhat uncomfortable feeling I
used to get when I went to any of those places is dissipating or I may
have just accepted that sometimes I want a cup of coffee or a movie
and I will not feel guilty because I can afford to.

One amusing thing I have noticed in the expat circle is how expats
will size each other up. I must get equally stared at by Zambians and
non-Zambians; at least, Zambians don't bother trying to be discrete.
It's odd, but is I think I have also picked up this strange exercise
of trying to figure someone out when you see them. Why is this person
here? Who do they work for? Where are they from? Coming home from
grocery shopping, I saw a girl with a backpack and bandana walking in
my neighbourhood. From the fact that she had a backpack and was
wearing Chaco sandals, my conclusion was she is either travelling or
with the Peace Corps. I could be wrong, but I have correctly
identified Canadians just from Mountain Equipment Co-op gear and
anyone with a Nalgene bottle is guaranteed from Canada or US. I think
it's strange… foreign people trying to figure out other foreign
people. It is even more amusing when people do a full head turn to
check out people while driving. NGOs usually have their logo on their
vehicles and diplomats, embassies, UN have specialised plates, so I
have driven with people who look at vehicles and say hmm… that person
must work for that organisation. I guess on a human level people are
just curious and looking out for other people that maybe they can
identify with.

While I think I have fallen into the comforts and conveniences of the
expat world, I feel strongly not to give up some of things like
walking/taking local transport and shopping in markets because I feel
it keeps me grounded in what I think I'm doing here.

//

I have an answer. On Sunday, I successfully cleaned my house and
washed all my clothes. My decided firm response to anyone that asks me
why I don't have a maid (I mean, housekeeper) is that I find it
satisfying to do it myself. Yes, I will whine about doing it, but the
sight a shiny floor and a pile of folded clothes is fantastic!

Does it still count?

I'm not sure if I will keep this blog going because I really don't know what I am rambling about these days. Does cyberspace need my almost disillusioned perspective on development? However, I must say a huge thank you – zikomo kwambiri – to everyone for reading. A special thank you to friends who have considered some of the things I've written about and fired questions back at me. Thanks R for these questions. –m

Even if external aid doesn't really work, does it still count? I would never say that external aid and assistance doesn't help at all. Admittedly, I did have a conversation once about what would happen if all development agencies pulled out and the first answer we came up with is that a lot of people (national and international staff) would be unemployed… oops, we were supposed to say all the people who receive assistance would be affected. There are undeniable positive outcomes like children being able to eat and receive medical attention through programmes happening in schools. Donor money has enabled the building of roads, bridges, schools, hospitals, etc. However, is foreign aid and assistance meant to be indefinite? For example, a feeding programme addresses immediate hunger, but when the programme pulls out, people many not necessarily be in the position to help themselves, if they became accustomed to receiving aid. Another example comes from an article I read recently about how second-hand clothes flowing into developing countries actually hinders the development of local textile industries. But then again, someone who didn't have shoes yesterday could have shoes today. Development project are increasingly concerned with sustainability. Many people tout loan and microfinance projects as the sustainable way, but they do not always work if the community has not committed to the idea. There is no perfect development scheme. It really depends on individual communities and individual circumstances. However, at the end of the day, yes, it does still count that an orphan gets a one good meal through a feeding programme.

What are people's attitudes to foreign assistance? I would say that people working in development here question what they are doing – at least those working at grassroots level. People (i.e. me) come here and realise that there might not really be anything they (I) can do. With that said, I still think it is a process that I can perhaps make small contributions. Maybe my colleagues may end up learning a few things from me (or maybe not). I know I am gaining valuable insight into the realities of a local NGOs. As for what local people think… I'm not sure. I don't really know what to say to people who ask, "so did you come here to save Africa?" I don't expect to be appreciated or for anyone to care that I'm here, but it seems no matter what you do – learn the local language, spent time with people – you'll never really be accepted. I'm not the first person to come and I won't be the last, so in people's minds maybe I've come to help, but in the end I will leave.

//

Damn, at the end of each entry I feel like I need to apologise for yet another depressing post. Will try to write take note of more upbeat and fascinating things this weekend. Much laundry and housecleaning to do… the difficulty of going away on weekends… not complaints though, I'm still relishing in the feeling of being on the beach at the Lake Malawi.

Seeing the good

I am getting way too negative. It is really draining when only the
frustrations stand out at the end of the day. I realise my post
yesterday was a view of Malawi through rose-coloured glasses. All the
sun and relaxation probably put me in the frame of mind to see the
good things. Similar hopeful and optimistic things happen in Zambia –
one just needs to look out for them. I've been linking a number of the
schools we support with local peer education groups. Today, I
overheard a group of girls discussing with each other what someone
might offer them in exchange for sex (food, candy, a lift to town, and
the list continues). This made me think that building forums for such
discussions may have an impact on the lives of young people, even
though we do not do anything to directly address the poverty the
increases their vulnerability. However, on an organisational level, I
don't know if my colleagues realise the value of such partnerships and
will be willing to support the continuation of such programmes when I
leave.

Even though I could have shared a positive aspect of my day, the
girls' discussion, I came home ranting about all the kafuffles that I
had to smooth over because of the things that didn't happen, but were
supposed to while I was away. As our conversation grew in negativity,
my housemate and I resolved to take note of one good thing everyday. I
think I will start a list on the fridge and maybe at the end of this
month, I will report what we come up with. Our two points on the list
tonight include seeing a group of men hard at work at a woodworking
shop and two people working together to push a bike laden with giant
bags of charcoal up a hill. I guess for us seeing people hard at work
is a very good thing. For the record, it was not difficult to come up
with positive things; it was a matter of consciously noting them.

I'm going to entertain one big question before I call it a night – if
I no longer believe that sustainable development is possible, would I
be willing to admit it to myself and walk away?

Malawi

I'm back from Malawi. It was a quick five day trip to Lake Malawi (two
days of travel, three on the beach), but I feel like I've been away
for weeks. The lake felt like a sea and almost Mediterranean like with
clear water, nice sand, and white sunlit rock islands jutting out.
Sitting on the beach, reading, and watching the sun cross the sky was
just what I needed. I did not expect Malawi to be much different from
Zambia; they are neighbouring countries, and cultures and languages
cross geo-political boundaries anyway. The Chewa people in Eastern
Province, Zambia may consider themselves to be in the same group as
the Chewa in Malawi. Also, Malawian Chichewa and Zambian Chinyanja are
very similar languages. I don't know enough Chinyanja to notice the
difference, but I ran into no problems bargaining in Chinyanja.
Nonetheless, on the 9-hour journey back I made a list of some notable
differences:

>>Roads! Malawi has amazing roads. I think I am amazed because Zambia
has such terrible roads; the difference is noticeable immediately
after crossing the border. There are shoulders, lane markings, and
very few potholes. Not only are the roads amazing relatively to
Zambian roads, they were so good I almost got the feeling I was
drinking I was in Canada driving through the mountains. The landscape
is different, but I had the feeling of being on an open highway –
fresh air, blue sky, and endless horizon.

>>Zambians will be the first to tell you that Zambia is a friendly
country. Sure, Zambia is generally a friendly country, but my
experience is that it is an in-your-face kind of friendliness. The
local people I ran into in Malawi were more reserved and perhaps, as a
result their friendliness felt more genuine. At the campsite over
cheap beers and under a sky full of stars, I had some great
conversations with people from Lilongwe (capital of Malawi). I realise
that the people we ran into on the lake and in villages where we
stopped to buy crafts probably have regular contact with tourists, but
it still surprised me how little hassle we got. I have gotten used to
being asked for money and other things that I now notice when I am not
approached. No one said more than hello to me while I was on the
beach… all the attention I usually get is not good for my ego, because
now I expect to be noticed. Hah.

>>I think Malawi and Zambia rank closely on the Human Development
Index (I haven't officially checked). It is difficult to justify this
statement from the perspective of a visitor passing through, but
Malawi seems more developed. In addition to the roads, there seemed to
be more planning and organisation in the capital city. We only spent a
few hours in the city to get food and fuel, but I was amazed (again)
at the infrastructure. There are several modern glass buildings set on
tidy roads lined with shady trees. Lilongwe probably has its share of
shanty compounds, but from what we saw, it felt like people took pride
in maintaining the city – the streets were clean, most streets had
street signs, and traffic lights work! Lusaka doesn't really compare
except for the Western style shopping malls.

Another sign I took to mean things in Malawi are improving was the
number of Malawian families at the beach. A wonderful couple I met, a
midwife and a mechanic, brought their kids for an afternoon barbeque
on the beach. Resort places like the beach are usually filled with
tourists, but it felt nice to see a mix of tourists and local people.
Zambia's attractions are plenty – Victoria Falls, Luangwa National
Park, Lake Kariba, etc. However, many people I work with have never
been and I'm not sure will seek the opportunity to go.

I know I'm making broad comparisons without strong evidence, but
Malawians seem hopeful and more committed. The people I had a chance
to speak with seem to have realised their challenges and are finding
ways to improve their own livelihoods – we came across a huge
furniture and woven mat cooperative. I would like to see the same kind
of optimistic energy in Zambia. Seeing development agency signs and
project vehicles (as you see in Zambia, especially Lusaka) does not
mean development is necessarily happening in the country. There is no
doubt that a lot of money is pouring into Zambia, but until the
leaders and citizens take ownership of their future, no amount of
money will result in any real improvement. I hope I don't sound too
disillusioned because I do want to believe that development from
community level, not dictated by aid agencies is possible.

(I am curious what a development worker in Malawi would say about Zambia...)

Poo

It is not until I had my own poo issue that I realised how common it is a topic of discussion. I've been remarkably healthy so far until mid last week. I don't know what I ate, but it did not do my body good. When I was somewhat toppled over on the table at a Saturday night card game, someone asked me if I felt okay. I mentioned my stomach was giving me a bit of trouble. Then the conversation went like this:

"Stomach troubles?... oh, a PC way of saying that you have the shits."
Me: uh huh
"How many days?"
Me: 3
"Bloody? Gas? Cramps?"
Me: No, no, yes.
"Good, you probably don't have dysentery. Probably bacteria or a parasite. We've all been there."

There we were, on a relaxed Saturday night, five people working with various development organisations bonded over stories of diarrhoea. 

//
 
I'm in a lull. A work and life lull. Or maybe it's just the dread of Monday.

Sorry, can't think of anything interesting to write. I feel much less observant these days than when I first arrived.